Psyched

2005-01-24T10:27:00.000-06:00

I guess it had to take something unusual to get me back to a blog post. Eight days ago I went to pick up my 12yo son from a church retreat only to learn that one of the vehicles had rolled off of the interstate at 70 mph. With my son at my side, I read the names of close friends of my son who were in the vehicle; 5 boys, 2 girls and the adult driver. One of the boys did not survive. Three remain in separate hospitals. It's been a long week--longer for some, but God has been present. You wish it didn't take a tragedy to express love toward those around you, but this past week has reminded us all of how precious life is. We forget that people, like our own lives, are gifts from God and we never truly own them. Babies come into the world with no guarantees of health or longevity. Sometimes our grief and the hurt we feel from loss makes it difficult to be thankful, especially when death occurs. I've looked at people differently this week. I've thanked God more than ever for the time he's given me with family and friends, and I've grieved the loss of a sixth grade boy who I never met. May we all see the invaluable gifts of life around us and be thankful for the time we have.

2004-05-28T09:28:00.000-05:00

I'm amazed at how dependent I've become on the conveniences of technological advances. If it takes longer than two seconds for something to appear on my computer screen, my body tenses. The other day I found myself standing in front of the driver's side door of my car pressing like a mad man on the keyless door opener, never considering that I could actually use the key. (I don't even remember the last time I had to use a key to open my car!) It's amazing that people actually take the time to blog.

2004-05-21T11:40:00.000-05:00

THE LAND OF THE ABOVE AVERAGE
Over the past few weeks, I've attended a number of graduations, awards ceremonies, etc., and have been amazed at the number of students who are being credited with high grade point averages and honors, some majors reflecting half of their students as having GPA's worthy of honors (my son's 5th grade class had nearly 100 students with a 95 or above average!) I know that a number of the above mentioned students are bright, but what do the grades really mean?? Do we really believe that if everyone would just try, they can be anything they desire? (Even Forrest Gump, an individual with an approximate 75 IQ, was portrayed as accomplishing incredible feats) The concept of grade inflation has been present for years. I've viewed television shows describing the epidemic of cheating in top high schools and colleges, with students justifying their behavior by saying that one must make certain grades to move on to the next level of education. I read that in California 75 of 200 teachers accused of helping students cheat on standardized tests have been found guilty as charged--I just wonder if they were concerned about the student or how they would be judged as a teacher.

Somewhere along the way, perhaps in our quest to prevent some students from feeling less intelligent or some other noble intent, we've forgotten that people are not all the equal--- WE ARE EQUAL IN VALUE, but not in ability. Line everyone up for a 100 yard dash and see if everyone finishes at the same time.
In my psychology studies the concept of the standard curve was introduced in which about sixty-eight percent of people fall within one standard deviation above or below the middle. I know it doesn't sound as good, but most of us are pretty average in our looks, our intelligence, our sports abilities, etc. and that's OK! Isn't it?? Or does the norm become inflated grades, justification of cheating in school, sports, etc., and believing that anyone should be able to enter any job field regardless of what their true abilities are? As a culture we cry out for diversity yet so often work to hide any differences unless we want to be entertained by laughing at them on American Idol, etc., further hindering development of a healthy self-esteem based on accepting our inherent value as God's creations
and our limitations as humans who are not equal in abilities. This lack of acceptance has led to an explosion of interest in cosmetic makeovers, drug use in sports, cheating in schools, etc. God help us to love and accept others and ourselves as He does.

2004-05-14T14:29:00.000-05:00

Forgiveness is an interesting concept--and one that is often very misunderstood. Perhaps the most harmful misconception is that not to forgive can be beneficial because you never release the forgivee from the behavior in question thus punishing them for life. Many confuse the concepts of acceptance and agreement. They think that forgiveness equals agreement with the offender's behavior, sort of like saying "it's OK what they did" when forgiveness has a lot more to do with accepting that the behavior took place and that THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WE CAN DO TO CHANGE IT. Lack of forgiveness often occurs when we don't want to get off the judgment seat for fear that not to do so will let the other person go free (and it's so much easier to focus on the speck in our brother's eye). We just don't trust that God can take care of the judging business, especially if the consequences/punishments are not readily visible.

Some confuse the forgiveness issue further by saying that forgiveness cannot take place unless you renew your relationship with the the other individual---I think that this is said because it's what God does (you know, what would be most IDEAL)---but WE ARE NOT GOD. Telling someone that they must not only forgive someone of their hurtful behavior but then have to stay in a relationship with that person keeps a number of people holding on to past hurts. (Just try to tell the victim of a sexual crime that to fully forgive they must form some type of friendship with the offender!) Forgiveness is primarily for us, not the offender--it's an acknowlegement that WE ARE NOT THE JUDGE. As has been said -- "when you get to the heart of the matter, it's a matter of the heart". I'd like to say that we struggle with forgiveness primarily when others have seriously wronged us, but my own struggles with lack of forgiveness over some of the most petty behaviors of others and my witnessing of the same with other good people leads me to believe that forgiveness is difficult, but eventually leads us to greater health, peace, and contentment.

2004-05-11T14:50:00.000-05:00

SEXUAL ABUSE--Part Two. I've worked with more individuals than I can remember who have been victims of sexual abuse while they were children. Most often, the individuals are female, abused by an older male while some are males abused by an older male. On rare occasion I've seen the male who was abused by the older female. I don't pretend to fully understand what it's like to be subjected to this kind of abuse, but the individuals that have come through my office have taught me a lot. Most struggle with a sense that they should have known that the touching was wrong--I think that this is due in part to the older brain trying to remember what it's like to be six years old again (which it can't). Others experience guilt over the fact that some of the touching felt good (so how can it be abuse?) or that they never thought about telling anyone about the activities (sometimes due to threats from the abuser, lack of knowledge, or strong attachment to the perpetrator--children can be very forgiving!). Males tend to struggle more with their own sexual identity given inevitable confusion as to whether sexual abuse by a male "makes them homosexual". The exposure to the world of one's own sexuality at a developmentally inappropriate time frame almost inevitably leads to future confusion and struggling to not continue the objectification inherent in such abuse. Untreated, some persons go on to abuse others, but most retreat to a world of some type of avoidance of their sexuality or jump into a more promiscuous pattern. I often see victims of sexual abuse for their first experience with therapy when they are adults with an initial statement that "I thought that if I just didn't think about it, it wouldn't affect my life". Unfortunately, that's why it's called abuse... and a crime.

2004-05-10T10:43:00.000-05:00

SEXUAL ABUSE. In my job, I hear about this kind of abuse daily. Our culture seems to rank sexual abuse close to the top of the most despised crimes. You could have a murderer living next door to you and never know it, but you can go to the state's sex offender website and find where every sex offender lives. I've never had an individual come to me confessing a desire to abuse---by the time I see someone, the abuse has already occurred. Most tell me that they were too ashamed to tell anyone about the thoughts that preceded the abuse, fearing that society's response would be similar to that of when they were discovered to have committed the act. Some are so lost in their obsessions that confessing never enters the picture and eventual abuse becomes inevitable. Some are revealed after one incident while others abuse for years before the abuse is reported. There are many whose abuse is never made known. As with most people, I can sympathize much more readily with the victim than the perpetrator, however, we must somehow do a better job as a society of providing acceptance to those who struggle with thoughts of abuse BEFORE they abuse for prevention to have a chance to occur. Otherwise, the secrecy, shame, and damage of sexual abuse will continue to thrive.

2004-05-06T08:12:00.000-05:00

Any of you a father of a teenage girl?? I feel your pain. Before having a daughter, I envisioned the kind of father-daughter relationship that makes women weep and is the stuff of sappy movies, but instead I got a daughter who was different from what I had envisioned---a daughter that was like ME---the stubborn ME--the "I don't really need many hugs" ME. (I guess the nut doesn't fall far from the tree). But for some crazy reason, I keep thinking that we will suddenly morph into that image of a daughter and father running toward one another through the fields. You know, the Father of the Bride kind of relationship. Don't get me wrong, I still think that my daughter is near perfection, but I'm not sure that she knows that I hold I see her that way due in part to a seeming lack of Kodak moments during these teenage years. And you know what? I don't think she has a clue as to how much she can hurt me nor that she has had me emotionally from the day I first saw her big eyes looking up at me seconds after her birth. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then I'm an incredibly flattered father. I am in love with her and blessed to have her. I think that God falls in love with us, too, and then longs for a closer relationship with us. He stands with arms wide open, just waiting for us to run to him--and when we run towards Him, he sprints towards us. Thank you God.

2004-05-05T15:48:00.000-05:00

Isn't it funny how we say that we want to have good, strong relationships with those around us, yet continually sabotage such with comments meant to hurt and provide protection from imagined attacks to our own being?? Conflict within one's being can even be created with people we don't know, as was illustrated the other day when riding with my teenage son. A driver in another car made some type of driving error (my judgment) providing the catalyst for a mumbled comment such as "that idiot almost hit me" being uttered. My son quickly responded "Dad, they're not out to get you!" I immediately realized that he was right and that allowing for such attitudes only serves to contribute to excusing the judgmental or sarcastic comment to a family member, giving the appearance of choosing conflict over the stated goal of peace. -- Try for just one day not to make judgments--or at least try not to let the judgments be verbalized. (I've found it's too hard not to think it)